Here I am, a few days away from finishing another 3 week stint out in the Middle Easy.  Prior to this visit, I had been back in the States 2 weeks following a previous 3 week stint out in the Easy.  Needless to say, the past few months have been a blur.  It’s difficult to explain…but…I feel very little when I travel nowadays.  Before, I’d feel at least somewhat homesick or at the least frustrated by a prolonged business trip, but not so much now.  I’ve been out of the country for 6 of the last 8 weeks and I only recently (as of a few days ago) started to feel homesick.  It isn’t as though I love traveling or that I hate home…it’s just that…when I travel, I generally just adapt.  What I mean by that is that when I’m out here, I’m rarely awestruck by much and generally acclimate quickly.  For example, when I’m out here in the Middle Easy, nothing outside of the language spoken here feels foreign to me.  The food, customs, and traditions are all things that I’ve experienced through my personal upbringing and life experiences.  Anyways, a simpler explanation would probably be that I’ve traveled enough over the years to have gotten accustomed to the nuances of it.  I do have moments though where I yearn to travel to places where I can have that “wow” moment – episodes of being awestruck.  I haven’t had many of those over the years…

Anyways, onwards we trek towards the path of random thoughts.

Considering the fact that there are only about a handful of English language TV channels out here at the hotel that I’m staying at, I’ve been forced to relegate my TV viewing to such rubbish Americana like…the…Disney Channel.  So, the rotation I’ve sadly made a daily part of my life out here is The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Hannah Montana.  There are a few others that I’ve ashamedly watched an episode or two of, but the two I have the most experience of watching are the two above.  Actually, the only show that I actually find somewhat entertaining and only marginally repulsive is Zack and Cody.  That show…actually…isn’t all that bad.  Surprisingly witty and entertaining.  As for Hannah Montana…that show gets my Wiggity Wiggity Wack Seal of Disapproval.  I don’t know how anyone who watches that show doesn’t get annoyed by Miley Cyrus’ character (Hannah Montana).   How is the show…and more depressingly, its main character so popular?  There are only two entertaining cats in that whole show:  Hannah’s brother and the little Hispanic kid named Rico.  I’m telling you, Hannah’s little brother is going places.  I see a little Shia LeBouf in him (who starred in “Even Stevens” on Disney himself before box office fame) .  Look, ridicule me for the past paragraph at your own peril….but until you’ve been stuck out in the Easy with split better to do than to decide between Disney and Camel Racing (no joke), you ain’t got nothin’ to say to me.  Don’t make me but a hill of beans no ways.

I’ve worked 3 weeks straight out here without a single day off.  I’m hoping…no…I’m praying…facing East if I have to that I can take a day trip excursion out to the desert here.  It’s supposed to be doper than the trap.  So, we’ll see by tomorrow afternoon if my dreams truly are inevitably always meant to be shattered.  Anyways, I’ve not spent much time in the city out here because I vowed to dedicate myself to working out and studying as much as I could in my free time out here.  I plan on taking the PE (Principles of Engineering) Exam at the end of October.  So, I figured I needed to put in at least some work on that front while I’m out here.  I’ve been more slack than I had hoped, but not nearly as much as I feared.  All in all, a success so far.

So, recently I was made aware of the fact that Facebook now limits the amount of characters a user can utilize on status updates (following in Twitter’s footsteps).  Truth be told, Facebook’s 420 character limit is still kilometers away from Twitter’s 140…but still.  The desecration of the literary ingenuity of the youth, I say.  I guess this is how kids want it these days anyways.  They want the most results out the least effort.  Believe you me, the last adjective you’ll ever hear used to describe me is terse, so maybe I’m a bit biased…but I ain’t exactly keen to implementing abbreviations in the expression of my inconsequential thoughts.  Mind you this, though…this is coming from the cat who has never used “LOL”…ever…in any form of viral capacity (other than mocking it).  Never.  Not even back in those good ‘ol AOL chat room days.  Not even in those enlightened times of Juno Email.  That’s right, Juno – free dial-up email.  That’s old school for you there.  It’s ok to secretly admit to yourselves that you don’t know a got damn thing about that.  No love lost here.  We can still chest bump it out.

What if folks started rocking throwback technologies like they do clothing?  What if folks started investing in PCs with 2GB hard drives?  What if someone Skyped you using NetZero?  What if folks invited everyone over to Duck Hunt?  Wii who?  What if someone replied to your email using Netscape Navigator?  What you cool cats know about that?  I done been a dweeb.  Climb the stairs…take the elevator…do what you must…but…please…get on my level.

Another thing that irks me is the belligerent use of exclamation marks in peoples’ emails.  Anyone who has watched this Seinfeld clip knows what I’m talking about (too, too funny).  I, like the exclamation pinchin’ Brownie I am, save my exclamation marks for moments most deserving of ‘em.  I refuse to mischievously throw them around like a back alley club comedian tossing one liners.  Believe you me, when I use an exclamation mark, I mean it.  You can most assuredly picture me stating those same words in a higher tone if in person.  I ain’t saying…but I’m saying…is alls I’m saying.  Ease the pedal off the punctuation, folks.  Yeah, yeah…yeah…I know…I know…I’m frighteningly infatuated with apostrophes…so who am I to speak, huh?  Well, that ain’t got split to do with emotional interpretation like exclamation marks do.  Sometimes, inference is the result of intent.

Anyways, time to hit the snooze.  Hopefully, my next post will be from the comfortable confines of my joint in The A.

Tomorrow morning, I head to Abu Dhabi for a little vacay. I’ll be visiting my friend who’s traveled extensively and FaroundtheWorld. He’s a cool cat who I’ve grown up with throughout the years and even roomed with as recently as a year and a half ago. When he decided to room with me, he was in a transition period between jobs in the Middle East and the States. So, essentially, he had shit better to do than party like an Afghan Star. I remember this cat would be out partying every day of the week. If you needed to know where to go whenever you ain’t got split better to do, he was the man with the details. I’m sure he’s working his tail off now and lubricating every morning after showering and brushing, but those were the good ol’ days for my boy there. Fist tap and kudos to him for exemplifying my lifelong motto, “If you ain’t living…ya dying.” Anyways, he’s hinted at showing me a sliver of the glamor life he’s living in the UAE this weekend, so I’m looking forward to that. French fry has Wi-Fi at his crib! I know that’s commonplace for folks in the UAE, but not where I’ve been at the past 3 weeks. I remember all of our UN crew imploring him to work somewhere close enough that we could afford to visit him. The only consolation he ever gave us was living on The U in DC. When he informed us of his pending relocation to the UAE, we all wished him well with kindness in our eyes and contempt in our hearts. I was like, “This guy. Another place that’ll cost nearly 2 G’s to visit…dammit, Chloe!” But, through the fortunes of my work-related visit out here to the Easy, I was able to finagle a trip to the UAE at no added cost (it was actually cheaper to detour to the UAE than to fly round trip to where I originally landed). Go figure.

Anyways, I’m looking forward to relaxing and enjoying all that the UAE has to offer. It’ll be a good min-vacay before I make my inevitable return to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Braves. At the least, I’ll at least have a greater diversity of culinary vegetarian options. Word on the street is that that place is crammed tight with Brownies from all over the globe (i.e. there are a ton of South Asians there). I get the feeling from folks who’ve I’ve met here that have traveled to Dubai and whatnot that Dubai is a different animal from the rest of the large, Middle Eastern cities. This should be interesting.

Lord knows I would’ve been hesitant and stuttering jibberish when push would’ve came to throwing hands if I had to make the decision to purchase a ticket on my own tab out there. It’s hard for me to justify paying the price for a ticket to India to anywhere else (as insufficient as that justification sounds). So, we shall see what awaits me in the Middle Eastern playground.

I’ve also learned that growing up with Somalis has really helped me acclimate to Arabs. From the language to the dress, there are great similarities…maybe more than even Indians and Arabs. For example, when I see women here wearing the traditional hijab in a 100 plus heat, I don’t blink. Going to Clarkston High School prepares you well enough for that.

I truly believe that Americans should take the opportunity to visit the Middle East. Especially the stable regions like the UAE, Jordan, and Turkey. Even the most ardent anti-Islamic, war mongering patriots will find it hard to continue to generalize and stereotype Arabs. Arabs are nothing like the misconception that some ignorant folks have in the States (especially after 9/11). Arabs are some of the most benevolent and kind hearted people you will meet. At least half a dozen times, I’ve been offered tea by random strangers. Seriously. We went to a computer shop last night to look for some replacement PC parts and the manager offered us some tea – simply because he was brewing himself a batch. I’ve never ONCE felt unsafe out here (and I’ve been out here 3 weeks). It’s not as though I expected any circumstantial calamities or whatnot, but hey…ya never know. Anyways, if more Americans traveled to the Middle East, they’d be hard pressed not to develop admiration and appreciation for Arabs. They’re good people. As with all races, genders, socio-economic classes, etc., there are always a few undercooked falafels amongst the majority. It is what it is. Anyways, if you ever get an opportunity to travel to the Middle East, give it some serious thought.

I would blabber on incessantly in the warm, ocean breeze…but…it’s pitch dark out here and I’m headed back up to my room to shower and meet up with a local contractor I’ve been working with over the past week. Maybe we’ll paint the town Brown. We’ll see.

Dubai, I will suck your face. Shortly. I’m excite.

Due to the nature of my profession, I can’t exactly make you cool cats keen to where exactly I’m currently at.  Let’s just say that I’m in the Middle East.  In the desert.  Vague enough for you?  Don’t worry, I ain’t no Top Secret super spy or anything.  It’s not like I’ll merck your insipid caboose for reading this.

The journey here was a long one.  From the moment I stepped out of my joint to the moment I stepped foot into the crib out here, it took me a total of 24 hours.  Once I landed at the airport, I had a driver take me out to the desert (which is where I’ve been doing my work for the past week).  The drive itself took 4 hours in addition to all the in-air travel I had already persevered over the course of the entire day.  Crazy stuff.  It’s like I went to India all over again.  Believe you me though…ain’t nothing as bad as flying to India.  Now, that is THE definition of an unending plane ride.

So, I land in the Middle Easy and am immediately greeted by a guy who had my name written down on a piece of paper.  I got the name-on-paper treatment.  Mad respect, son.  First time.  I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to one day walk into the arrivals area at an airport and be expected by a complete stranger who knows nothing but my name.  It was cool enough, I suppose.  Another inconsequential story to tell.  The guy was helpful enough to help me get my International Visa and my luggage.  After waiting over an hour for my bags, we had trouble finding my driver.  We waited for another hour or so and finally we found the driver…about 2 feet away from us holding up a sign as well with my name on it.  So, the two guys (the guy who met me at arrivals and the driver) started getting into it blaming one another.  After a few minutes of heated deliberation, they both parted ways and I packed my bags into the trunk of the driver’s car.  He proceeded to berate the other guy while we left the airport.  He threw in a “stupid guy” and a few other broken-English psuedo-obscenities as we departed for the acrid and desolate desert (more on that later).  Although I’ve traveled frequently over the past few years, I still cannot manage to get even a respectably legitimate amount of sleep on planes.   With that being said, I passed the Motorla Flip out in the car for about a good hour or so.  I was suddenly awoken by the loud thud of our tire exploding.  Crazy, huh?  So, there we were, in the middle of the desert with a flat tire.  It was gorilla-ballsacks hot and not another human was within eyesight (save for the passing truck or two).  Luckily…and I say that with the uttermost appreciation for luck, we had a spare tire in the back.  So, we rode the last 80km on a spare.  Not exactly the most intelligent of ideas, but when you’re out in the boondocks of the incendiary desert, you won’t exactly find a Goodyear on the block.  Just saying…

My accommodations here can best be described as…humble.  Very, very reminiscent of the relatives’ home I stayed at in India in the tremendous city of Baroda.  Visiting India 4 years ago prepped me for worst-of-the-worst situations.  Believe you me, if you can acclimate yourself to a typical home in India, then you’ll pretty much be prepared to take on any accommodations anywhere.  Let’s just put it like this, considering where I stayed at in India (which was actually a very comfortable and clean home), I consider myself fortunate that we have A/C and a Western (standing) toilet here…with indoor plumbing.  We gots indoor plumbing, how you like ‘dem frittatas?!?!  Could it be that I set the bar of expectations too low?  Possibly.  I guess I just expected worse so I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Mission accomplished.  I will continually insist and implore any and everyone to refrain from using public restrooms in this quadrant of the globe.  I don’t have too much of an issue with it, but I try to avoid it when possible.  “Hole-in-the-ground” is the only phrase that’ll sufficiently outline the picture I’d rather avoid painting on the easel of your dissenting minds.  Let’s put it like this, Alice wouldn’t dare slip and stumble into that hole.

The food can best be described as…well…simple…and borderline bland.  I was welcomed to the house with a plate of rice, beans…and chicken.  I guess there was a mistranslation of correspondence.  They must’ve missed the ESPN Breaking News Ticker that was supposed to alert them that I was a vegetarian.  Either way, it was all good.  I’ve been a vegetarian my whole life, so I’ve learned to adapt to any and all gastronomical situations.  After that night, they’ve done a better job of making vegetarian food.  Still, the food is extremely simple and does not encompass much flavor nor spice. I’m not sure if this is your typical Middle Eastern food or not.  We have an Egyptian housekeeper whose culinary skills are lacking…limited at best.  He was hired on as a housekeeper, not as a chef.  However, he was thrust into that role, so I’ll cut him some slack because he’s still learning.  Dude makes a fierce enough omelet though.  I think it’s safe to say that my tummy hasn’t been exposed to authentic Middle Eastern food…yet.

The city in which I live in is literally in the desert.  There exists not the slightest fragrance of a single restaurant, hotel, nor place of consumer interest.  Seriously, there is nothing out here but sand, dirt, and heat.  I’ve never been anywhere this quiet…this desolate.  Actually, desolate would be a shameful understatement of an unintelligible grasp of the English language.  However, my spirits are up and my optimism hasn’t wavered.  Expect the worst and…you won’t become circumstantially depressed.  Not a full-proof hypothesis…but applicable enough.

The only sound I hear at night is that of the stray dogs barking outside and the mosquitoes chirping.  Them bastards (the mosquitoes) want in, but it ain’t happenin’…not on my watch.  I remember when a mosquito bit me on my eye lid one night in India.  I don’t want to relive the experience of waking up looking like the battered loser of a prize fight.

My co-worker had been working here two weeks prior to my arrival and had prepared me for the worst.  He informed me of the city, site, and our accommodations at the house.  He gave me a few tips on things to bring (toilet paper, mosquito repellent, snacks, etc.). It is, by far, the most solitary place I’ve ever worked at or even been in.  All but 2 of the satellite channels are in Arabic.  I only understand a passing word or two in Arabic, so I’ve had a difficult transition to adjusting to the Arabic language.  Some words are similar to Hindi and others resemble Somali words I’ve learned over the years, but for the most part, I understand diddly poo.  Being around a bunch of Arabs does kind of remind me a lot of the days I used to meander around the picnic benches at Spring Chase with the Qaxootis.  Somali and Arabic have similarities…most of all being the guttural sounds in both languages. Even though I probably understand less Arabic than I do Somali, it feels familiar.  On the other hand, it’s odd because as far as customs go, I feel like a native here (they share similar customs to South Asians), but as far as the language, I feel about as foreign as the phrase “soda pop” to Southerners.

Folks’ knowledge of English here rivals that of LeBron James’ sense of subtlety.  Folks here can speak a word or three of English here, but that’s about it.  So, for the first time in a long time, I’m in a country where I can’t even remotely communicate with the locals (other than knowing a few words here and there).  I consider myself a novice linguist, so it’s frustrating to be dumbfounded by the local language here.  However, if you greet folks with “Salaam”, a wave of your hand, and a warm smile, they will treat you well and reciprocate the generosity.

The cool thing about the house I live in is that there are other internationals here as well (mostly Arabic speaking).  Our housekeeper is Egyptian, my primary contact is Lebanese, the construction workers/electricians are Palestinian and Egyptian, and there are also other Americans that live here.  It definitely has a family feeling to it.  Every night, we eat dinner together.  Everyone shares and passes around the food.  The elders of the house insist on serving us.  If we even attempt to accommodate them first, they give us a deranged look and command us to sit down.  Like I said, the customs are very similar to South Asians.

I was scheduled to make like BronBron and leave this past Thursday for the coastal city, but due to some site issues, my stay here has been extended to the middle of next week.  The next city I am scheduled to visit is a beach town and more resembles a normal city (not some middle of the boondocks, Podunk town smack dab in the desert).  Supposedly, it’s a hotspot for tourists.  Wait…wait…now that I think about it, I’m exactly like LeBron.  He left a decrepit city for a beach town that’s a hotspot for tourists.  I hope to do the same…eventually.  My stay here has already been extended once without an imminent end date, so…maybe this will be all I’ll see of the Easy?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

Out here, in the evenings, I have a lot of free time, so I’ve been utilizing it to catch up on some reading and movies.  I’ll try to keep this blog updated as much as possible while I’m out here and keep you cats up to speed on the monotony of my trip abroad.

I just got done talking politics with my Palestinian housemate.  Eventually, the conversation wiggled its way over to Iraq.  His view was that Iraq can only be ruled by a dictatorship.  He doesn’t agree with the general idea of a dictatorship, but he said that considering the societal and religious climate there, only a dictator would succeed in moving that country forward as a joint entity.  I can see both sides of the argument.  There are pros and cons to democracy and a dictatorship.   His main point was that it will be impossible to teach a nation like Iraq to believe in the idea of democracy.  I slightly lean toward agreeing with him.  Iraq has too many separate and strong-minded factions.  Everyone wants everyone else to share THEIR pie.  No one is willing to take a seat at another’s dinner table.  The Kurdish, Shiite, Sunnis., etc.  Will a democracy work?  Will allowing everyone free will of choice to make the right decision work?  I don’t know.  Especially when everyone’s opinion of “right” is skewed by their own unflappable beliefs and values.   Sometimes, someone has to come in and force people to do what’s best for the country and not for themselves or their group of people.  Like I said, I’m on the fence about this issue.  At the end of the day, I’m more ambivalent about the situation in Iraq and the Middle East than anything.  I’ve always maintained that a country must help itself; it must pull itself up out of the shattered remains of their circumstances and find a way to find prosperity.  Like I said, I teeter and totter on the line of indecision quite often in regards to this.  Honestly, sometimes, I feel that the US just shouldn’t meddle.  Why are we sending our soldiers to die for another country?  Would you leave your family, your kids, your significant other to help some random stranger out and risk the danger of not returning to them?  You’d like to say yes, but at the end of the day, the human nature is to protect his own…not others.  Then again, this is why I choose not to follow nor engross myself in politics too much.  Is there ever a clear cut solution to anything political?  Is there ever really a right answer?  That’s why I’m more of a sports guy.  More often than not, the truth is discovered on the playing field.  Which team is better, which teams wants it more, etc, etc.

I bet you wish you could have back the last 3 minutes or so of your life that it took to read the previous paragraph, huh?  It don’t make me but a hill of beans; ain’t no refunds being handed out here for time irresponsibly spent.  Shouldn’t I be trying to keep readers, not insult them and push them away?  That’s crazy talk!

Either way, it was an interesting late-night conversation I had with my housemate.

Since work has slowed down a bit (and the fact that I’ve yet to have a day off since last Sunday), I’m only going to work a half day tomorrow.  Yippee ki ya, veggielovers.

It’s nearly 2:30 am here and it ain’t even 7:30 pm in The A. It’s weird waiting for folks to get on Gmail Chat when you come in to work only to find out it’s 1am back on the East Coast.  I guess I’m still adjusting to the time difference.

Them z’s are talking dirty in my ear.  Time to knock them boots.

Salaam.

Clark Howard’s blabbering away on the telly (imploring folks to refrain from giving out their social security number) while a toddler’s irrepressible cadence of cries resonate in the background of Gate 29 at the William P. Hobby Airport in Houston, TX.

I am headed back to the A after spending another week in the Boondocks for a site startup in the wonderful, glamourless city of Franklin, TX.

I, momentarily, am back from a nearly 6 month hiatus from this blog.  I know, I know…6 months.  Wow.  I’ve gone a month or two before without blogging nary a syllable, but I can’t recollect the last time I spent 6 months away from my blog.  As I’ve mentioned before, in one of my previous feeble attempts to justify my literary absence, I’ve become the deadbeat daddy of this blog.  I haven’t paid a single dime of viral alimony during my absence.

You must be repeatedly slitting your wrists wondering what the root cause of my hiatus has been, huh?  My reason is painstakingly trite and abundantly cliche.  The reason for the neglect of this blog has been my job.  The last 6 months of my professional career have inhibited my versatility as a human being.  I’ve become one dimensional.  I’ve become so inundated with work that I’ve had little time to devote to anything else.  15, 16 hour work days no longer intimidate me.  I’m not exactly sure if that’s a good thing or not.  My initial analysis is that I don’t ever want to grow accustomed to burning the midnight oil…literally.  How folks work these crazy hours for decades is beyond me.  With as much time as I’ve spent bent over the past 6 months, KY should make me their new spokesperson.  Work has diluted my literary inspiration to an incomprehensibly low level.  I haven’t felt motivated to blog in months.  In the sparse moments where random thoughts playfully tickled my brain stem begging for written exaltation, I found myself too exhausted to even put the effort forth to open up my laptop.  I’ve become a slave to my job.  I never thought that day would come.  Never.  I always swore to myself that I wouldn’t become “that overworked guy”.  Things cannot continue this way…and believe you me…they won’t.  The professional okie doke is looming.  I ain’t saying…but I’m saying…is alls I’m saying.

Anyways, random thoughts are droppin’ ‘bows on one another in my mind fighting for space in the forefront.  Enough with the depressing job talk.  I’m not the first to be dissatisfied and I won’t be the last…

Washington, D.C.  I’ve been there 3 times in the past 6 months.  Let me preface the following by stating that I’m a big fan of the city and will probably return again several times (2 of my close friends will be residing in the DC area for the next few years).  D.C.’s a great city…but…but…why does everything close so damn early?  At 2 o’ clock, clubs and bars shut down.  Literally.  I’m sure there are a few exceptions to the rule, but the majority…no…all of the places that I’ve been to in my past 3 visits have closed at 2am (or earlier).  They don’t even consider having the decency to allow you to meander around for another half hour or so afterwards.  Nope…that hat isn’t in their wardrobe.  They want their joints completely empty at 2am.  There must’ve been a massive gang rape/drive-by/mass homicide that’s sculpted the nightlife circumstances of D.C. to where they are now.  And to think…the city has so much potential to be a legendary party town.

We were at a spot last weekend that turned on the lights at 1:40am.  1:40am!  Are you kidding me?  That’s ridiculous.  New York…it ain’t.  Shit…Atlanta…it ain’t.  We got spots that close early-ish…but most joints in The A will perform last call at 2am and officially close at 2:30am or shortly thereafter.  Moreoever, there are more than a couple of spots in the city that allow you to party past 3.  Besides that shortcoming, overall, D.C. is pretty dope.  Thumbs up from me, mon frere.  D.C. can be on the expensive side, but the plethora of diverse establishments that exist in such a small area compensate for that.  Like any town, cheaper options can always be found.  I might spend some time in B-More the next time I’m out there.  My boy swears by all porn sites considered holy to him that B-More is worth visiting.

The Pacific Northwest.  More specifically the Northern Oregon-Southern Washington area (think Portland).  Stunning.  Unequivocally the most beautiful area of the United States I’ve ever seen.  Ironically, the Pacific Northwest has been the site of my 2 worst startup experiences over the course of the past 6 months.  Those 2 professional experiences have contributed greatly to the fact that I feel burnt out.  So, even though I was in this beautiful part of the country, I could barely enjoy it…besides the half hour drive I had from my hotel to the plant.  However, with all that being said, that area of the country is as scenic as anything you’ll find anywhere else in the States.  Evergeen trees and mountains.  That’s a simplistic way of describing that are of the country, but…essentially…that’s what it consists of.  It is a sight to behold, trust me on that.  Massive Evergreen trees are everywhere (Washington is know as “The Evergreen State”).  Everywhere.  I even saw a couple of homes that had Evergreen trees on their front yard…ON THEIR FRONT YARD!  Unbelievable.  I’ve never seen anything like that.  The major…major downside of that area is the weather.  The rumor that “it always rains out there” holds more merit than you’d believe. For much of the year, cloudy and rainy conditions are an everyday thing.  I’m not joking.   I was out there for nearly 3 weeks total and it probably rained or was cloudy for 80% of the time.  Although, locals swear that the summers are amazing.  When the sun did make a guest appearance or two, the sunlight would illuminate the natural beauty of the area…only to be immediately shrouded again by ominous clouds and perpetual precipitation.  Another thing I learned about Oregon was that they don’t utilize a sales tax on any good.  Even on food.  So, if you order a 79 cent bean burrito…you pay 79 cents.  Now that, mon frere, popped the canister of my thermos.  Genius.  Genius, I tell ya!  It may just be a ploy to get folks to move out there…but still…mad respect to the political representatives of Oregon who decided that.  Mad respect.

Of all the places I’ve been over the years, I’ve never once step foot in Las Vegas.  Times a changin’, though.  Next month, the weekend before Memorial Day, a group of friends and I are headed to Sin City to celebrate a cousin’s bday/bachelor’s party.  I’m curious to see what all the fuss about Vegas is.  Will it be as opulent as described to me by several friends and associates?  I don’t know.  I’ll reserve judgment until we step foot in our hotel.  However, I am excited about seeing what the Vegas experience will be like.  The good, the bad, the crazy.  All of it.  Believe you me, my friends and I are not jonesing to live it up and ball out of control.  I am in a financial position where I can let loose a little and spend decent money…but…why?  After all, as if the Honda Accord wasn’t proof enough, I’m Guju.  Why pay hundreds of dollars to get VIP into a club when I’m more than comfortable with waiting hours in line with bootleggers and scallywags to have a minimal shot at getting in free?  Shit…I always take my chances.  Nightclubs in Vegas even advertise “cut line” tickets that you can buy in advance for $60 (or more).  Basically, you can buy these tickets so you don’t have to wait in line.  However, you’ll still be partying with the minions and peasants who waited in line for general admission (your present company included).  $60 to cut a line?  Yo, on the real, I done been to my fair share of hip-hip aka “were gonna make your ass wait for hours in the balls hibernating cold to get in only to double the price of admission when you get to the front door” parties.  Waiting ain’t but a thang to me.  Word on the street is that the club called XS in the Encore hotel is one of the dopest clubs on the surface of the Earth.  I can already foresee us waiting for 2+ hours to get in only to be denied admission because we’ve got more sausage amongst us than an Italian deli (Baldino’s anyone?).  Regardless, we trudge on optimistically with faint hopes of limited complications and minimal rejections.

I swear uncommitted allegiance to doing a better job at keeping this blog updated.

By the way, on a not-so-random, thought out, and hypocritical rant, Delta can see these.  Didn’t they file for bankruptcy just a few years ago?  Yet, here they are, charging more for amenities than anyone.  Anything Delta can charge for – they will.  If a scenario exists where Delta can find a way to legally pickpocket you, they will.  Let’s just say that if Delta bumps into you on the subway, you better start patting yourself down and make sure you still have your wallet on you.  Any way Delta can take money from you, they will attempt to.  Case in point, if you want to cancel a flight, Delta will refund you the monetary amount for the segment of your ticket.  Here’s the catch, in order to re-book using that credit, they will charge you a $150 “re-booking” fee.  Ain’t that ’bout a coked-out bitch?  That’s just one example.  Another being that they charge $20 per checked-in luggage.  The airline standard is $15.  I know they ain’t the first and they won’t be the last…but c’mon.  You just filed for friggin’ BANKRUPTCY a few years ago!  Shouldn’t you be trying your best to appease customers and attract new customers?  I know you have to make your money somewhere, but really?  Who I am to bitch though?  I eschewed the hate, disdain, and bitter distaste for Delta and decided to fly with them anyways.  You know what they say…money talks…bullshit walks.

So, here I am, listening to the Phillies vs. Yankees World Series broadcast on my iPhone and writing this blog on my laptop.  The only reason I am listening to the World Series on my iPhone is because I can’t on my laptop.  Most professional sports organizations do not allow the live online streaming of their sporting events.  It’s a legal agreement they’ve made with the radio world.  Some professional leagues, such as Major League Baseball, offer online paid subscriptions that will allow you to listen to any game at any time over the internet.  I, being the acclaimed bootlegger that I am, downloaded the MLB.com cracked app from Installous (if you don’t know, your ignant ass betta ask somebody) on my iPhone and am able to listen to it live on my iPhone.  It’s ridiculous that you can’t listen to games online.  What if you’re abroad and want to catch a live audio feed of your favorite team’s next match?  S.O.L is what you’d be…well, unless you’re willing to sacrifice any dignity you have and PAY for what should be free.  Paying for what I can find for free is an absurd idea I will never fully comprehend (nor do I want to).  Wait, wait wait…what’s that?  People STILL rent movies from Blockbuster?  People STILL buy CDs?  Have I missed my spot in the rotation of the passing of the crack pipe?

Anyways, I’m on my way to Oaktown to surprise my sister on her birthday.  Let’s hope that she isn’t an avid reader of this blog.  That’d be a dumbfuck move on my part, no?  My parents surprised her yesterday.  I implored my parents not to snitch on my surprise plans.  I told my moms, “Yo son…snitches get stitches.”  So, I, being the brilliant liar that I am, called my sis today to wish her a happy birthday and told her that I’m stuck in the boondocks of Texas.  I told her that I wish I could be there and celebrate the birthday with the entire family.  I’m a slick follicle…I know.  I lie like a shag rug.

That slurping sound you faintly hear is me sucking face and getting to 2nd base with Lady Technology.  If I chop my onions right, I may get to officially join the Mile High Club.  I may not even pull out.  TMI, I know.  Shit, no me importa.  Love knows no bounds…come to think of it, neither does lust.

Forget all that, I’m just glad to be done with work for the week.  Bent over am I no more (well, at least for the week).  I worked past 10pm the past 2 nights.  For those that are counting, that’s 13+ hours both nights.  Puff, puff…I’d rather pass.  But…I had no choice.  I had to meet a project deadline.  So I bent over, lubed up, and took it like an amateur pornstar trying to make it in the industry.  No worries, I’m now headed to the wonderful Left Coast where vegetarian and vegan food is more a mainstay than a scarce commodity.

All them veggie joints are whispering sweet nothings in my ear.  I’ll be crappin’ tofu and pissin’ organic juice for the rest of the weekend.  Dreams DO come true (contrary to what my pops has hammered into my head).  I’m gonna meet up one of my old college buddies too (who’s doing a 1-year Masters program at Berkeley).  That dude is a funny cat.  I call him Ichiro (he’s half Japanese).  After graduation, he moved to Tokyo and was breakin’ 24-grain bread.  Cat was stackin’ (he worked at Lehman Bros.).  I vowed to him that I would visit him out in Tokyo, but never ended up going.  Money was tighter back then and tickets were way too expensive.  So, now that he’s returned to the States, I’m gonna visit him this weekend.  Do some catching up.  I remember him telling me years ago that “…flat screen TVs are like toilet paper in Japan…everyone has ‘em.”  Funny guy.  Plus, he uttered one of the oddest threats I’ve ever heard a friend of mine direct at someone:  “I will eat your face!”.  Classic stuff.

I’ve become so accustomed to neglecting my blog that I don’t even feel the need to apologize nor make excuses anymore.

I’ve increasingly noticed over the past year that I’ve started to think more like an engineer in my life outside of work (something I thought would never happen).  I’ve always prided myself on being a liberal thinker, especially considering that I work in a geeked-out, technical profession.  Years ago, I was an emotional guy.  Not emotional in the sense that I weeped at any opportunity, but emotional in the sense that I felt more.  How exactly can I explain that?  Well, when someone pissed me off, I would get pissed off.  When something bad happened in my life, I’d labor over the why’s and how’s of the situation.  When things went well, I got excited; I let myself enjoy the moment.  Nowadays?  If something goes awry, I shrug my shoulders and console myself by muttering “such is life” to myself.  This is the coping mechanism I’ve developed over the years.  This system of mine prevents me from getting too amped when things are good and too depressed when things are bad.  Sometimes, I feel like a robot.  I think too logically.  I’ve become a discrete thinker.  Things always seem to be either a 0 or 1.  Black or white.  Gray doesn’t seem to be a color on the paint palette of my thoughts.  I don’t know.  Is it better to be emotionally swayed by the inertia of the moment or is it better to be indifferent?  If not indifferent, I’m at best ambivalent.  Shit, I don’t know.  Ideally, a balance between the two (rational and emotional thought) is ideal, but how can you achieve one without sacrificing the other?  I’m not exactly sure.  Again, these are just scatterbrained thoughts that are floating around in my George Lopez watermelon-sized head.  Do any of them merit any attention or legitimacy?  I don’t know.  Alls I knows is that I’ve changed the way in which I emotionally deal with things.  Whether I’ve consciously decided to take that approach is beyond me.  I just know that it’s gradually happened over the years.

I’ve been all over the place with this post.  I’m glad to see that I haven’t lost my erratic touch.

I myself have fell victim to the succubus of financial temptations.  Funny as it may sound, I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I can drop a Benny Franklin at a club and not wake up the next day feeling as regretful as a desperate schmuck who just gave the shocker to a 5 peso Tijuana tranny.  I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I can splurge a little.  But, I’ve realized over the past few months that even I myself have to go back to the basics of saving.  I’ve gone astray of the ways that once defined me.  So, this may be an introductory lesson of sorts for your inquiring minds, but I also consider this a refresher course for myself.

Onwards we go…

Inebriation

Having a few drinks a few nights a week can place a significant dent in your wallet after a few months.  Drinks, as anyone who has had any in the city knows, can be expensive.  Especially mixed drinks.  I’ve long been a Crown Royale cat.  Crown and coke is my drink of choice.  But, ordering a Crown and Coke cocktail will cost you.  What are my viable alternatives, you ask?  Well, I could nix the ordering of cocktails and completely abstain from sippin’ the sinful syrup…but who the backflip are we kidding?  That, quite frankly, ain’t happenin’.  So, what’s the solution?  Well, one simple solution is to continue ordering cocktails, but with cheaper brands of alcohol.  Normally, in most situations, a Jack and Coke (as opposed to Hennessey or Crown Royale) can save you an average of $2/cocktail.  Mon frere, that adds up.  Plus, after you’ve guzzled down 4 or 5 of these, you won’t remember nor care what you are drinking.  You could be chasing down Mr. Boston’s Vodka jello shots with Schlitz and you wouldn’t even bat an inebriated eyelash.

But, if you’d rather sidestep the appetizer and head straight for the platter, then I have an alternative solution that’ll pop the top of your muffin.  Bring a flask with you.  Fill up your flask with whatever alcohol you have lying around.  Stick that mother in your backpocket, order a soda pop from the bar, and mix your drink in the bathroom stall.  No harm, no foul.  Plus, a majority of the clubs in Atlanta (think Primal, Opera, Cosmo/Lava, etc.) don’t offer the complementary security handjob that some other clubs do (Velvet, Esso, or any joint that caters to Black folk).  Don’t believe me?  Head over to Velvet Room tonight and see if you don’t “jizz in your pants” (click on the link – it is a HILARIOUS song and video) during the security check.  Anyways, I predominantly travel with flask to clubs.  There is really no downside – well…besides the probable sacrifice of your sensibilities and dignity.  But, loss of dignity aside, it’s a genius idea that will save you the cost of 2-4 drinks (depending on how strong you like your drinks).  Women, you have an even greater advantage.  You can jam your purses full of alcohol and tote around 2-3 flasks.  Let’s be honest ladies, it ain’t like all of you are fortunate enough to have some naive dumbfucks buy you drinks all the time.  Most of you, admittedly or not, have to purchase your own.  So, take on the task of toting a flask.  You will thank me tomorrow.

The Movies

I haven’t attended a class at an academic institution in nearly 4 years, yet I still use my student ID at the theater.  Anyone who does not do this should be bitch slapped for stupidity.  If you still have your student ID and can still aesthetically pass as a college student, why would you not pose as one?  You, my friend, are a Grade A, 5 star dumbfuck.  Honesty is but a matter of perspective.  Anyways, there are a few other ways to manipulate the system that you may find useful.  First off, this is the shadiest of techniques, but I’m living proof that this technique can work…and can work exceptionally well.  After purchasing a ticket, you simply fold your ticket in half (making it appear as though it is a ticket stub) and flash it to the ticket taker.  More often than not, he will nod his head and tell you to continue on.  Some ticket takers will take the ticket out of your hand and forcefully tear it.  But, if they do not, then you have the green light to bootleg.  Simply put, this method creates the facade that you’re re-entering the theater and that your ticket has already been torn – and therefore creates the impression that you have the remaining ticket stub in your hand.  The optimal time to employ this method is when the theater is busy and there is a large crowd of folks headed in.  The ticket taker will not have time to personally examine every single ticket, so you will have a greater chance of getting away with this.  You can then return to the theater at a later date and exchange your still-intact movie ticket for free.  Technically, your movie ticket has not been cut, hence, the theater believes that you never actually saw the movie.  In this case, the theater is obligated to grant you an exchange for another movie at a later date.  Theaters have gotten a little more hip to the game on this, but this still works surprisingly well.  Another method that I used to employ was tearing the ticket myself.  I would then pocket the other part of the ticket and simply show the stub.  I would then tape together the two torn pieces and exchange the ticket out at a later date.  If the theater would ask why my ticket is taped together, I would explain that the ticket tore in my pocket.  Think about this, if you employ either of these methods just once, then you’ve essentially viewed 2 movies for the price of one.  If you’re ballsy enough to continue implementing this method on the same original purchase, you could theoretically watch 10 movies for the price of 1.  What I normally do is purchase 1 ticket and then exchange it out 2-3 times utilizing this method.  After that, on the 2nd or 3rd time, I let the ticket taker tear my ticket.  During my next visit to the theater, I will purchase another ticket and attempt to start the same process again.  You do not want to get too greedy.  It would be best to alternate between theaters also.  There’s no need to start developing a discernible reputation.  Do not ruin it for the rest of us bootleggers.

Another method that has been tried and true by a friend of mine is the purchasing of children’s tickets at automated kiosks.  Many times, you can go into a theater and purchase tickets from an automated machine.  At those machines, you can normally purchase any ticket – even a children’s ticket (which are priced cheaper).  You can then use those to view your movie.  Technically, theater staff can stop you and refuse you entry if they notice this, but more often than not, the folks who tear the tickets will not notice this.

Save money by sneaking in your own food and drink in theaters.  They don’t pat you down at the theaters, so unless you got a box of Junior Mints popping out of your bra, you should go by unnoticed.  Shit, I’ve even smuggled in  bean burritos from Taco Bell and noshed on them during previews.  Sneaking in a bottle of soda pop has become mandatory for me now.  If I ain’t smuggling in some type of snack to a flick, it just doesn”t feel right – almost as if I feel dirty for not doing something dirty.  Shame?  I have little…if any.  Ahhh…who am I kidding?  I have ZERO shame.  Dignity?  Squadoosh.  Integrity?  Jigga what?  Jigga who?  You must be OUTSIDE your mind.  Only difference between me and you disapprovin’ cats is that I’m not afraid to bootleg.  Most of you folks want to, but can’t pull that trigger.  Too bad, maxipad.

Another less immoral and more legitimate way to save money on the movie going experience is to visit the Starlight Drive-In theatre off of Moreland Ave.  They charge $7/person – and always feature new releases.  With that admission fee, you are entitled to watch a double feature (they normally show 2 shows per screen).  Plus, you can bring whatever food and/or drinks you want and enjoy them while watching the movie.  No one will bother you.  Wanna crack open a few cold ones while watching “The Hangover”?  No problem.  Be discreet and no one will bother you.  So, you save a few bucks on admission and you can munch on whatever molded produce you had lying around at home.  No more having to buy $5 soda pop and $5 popcorn.  Plus, the quality of the audio and video at the Drive-In is pretty superb.  They pipe the audio through speakers outside and also broadcast it on an FM radio station you can tune your car stereo to.  During the summer, a lot of folks bring lawn chairs and watch the movie outside.  In addition, it’s a great experience.  There aren’t that many Drive-In theaters left in the nation.  You can’t beat the price or the convenience.

Eating Out

Coupons.  Coupons.  Coupons.  Capisce?  Use them.  They are your BFF, your booty call, and your wifey.  There are a lot of websites that specialize in discounted offers at restaurants.  The best example I can think of is Restaurant.com.  They normally offer vouchers at discounted prices (ex.  $25 vouchers for $10).  Many times, they have specials which allow for even greater discounts.  I myself purchased 3 different $25 vouchers for $3 a pop.  The only catch is that you normally have to spend a certain minimum (i.e. $35) and/or are restricted to certain days (M-Th, No Fridays, etc.).  Besides that though, there isn’t any other catch.  There are also a few other websites that specialize in the same sort of thing (Halfoffdepot.com comes to mind), but Restaurant.com is one that I’ve recently used that has proven to be reliable.  Believe you me, you may be above the use of coupons now, but when your decrepit ass is begging for change under the freeway, you may find yourself warming to the idea.

Go for specials.  Always be on the lookout in Creative Loafing or on Twitter for new promotions.  Word of mouth can be a powerful tool in helping you save money.

Split meals.  You can kill 2 birds with one stone:  watching your diet and saving money.  If you’re dating someone, sharing a meal is extremely convenient and easy.  Rather than eating an entire personal pizza by yourself, get someone to split it with you.  You can even save money on soda pop by sharing a soda with a friend.  At the least, do like me – let a friend order a soda pop and then take their drink to go.  Ain’t no need for a drink with unlimited refills to go to waste, ya dig?  Or, you could cut out soda pop altogether.  Soda pop can be upwards of $2 now at a lot of joints, so either share with someone or just skip it altogether.

If I can’t find someone to split a meal with, I sometimes take half of my meal to-go and finish it for lunch the next day.  That saves me from spending money on lunch the next day.

Movie Rentals

Enough with the Blockbuster memberships.  Honestly, truth be told, Blockbuster will be but a distant memory in a few years.  Our kids will not even have the faintest idea about what “making it a Blockbuster night” means.  Bet your 401K on that, buddy.  Go with the Red Boxes at your local grocery stores and Wal-Marts or go with Netflix – or forego all of the above and implement yet another bootleggin’ practice:  torrents.  I’m not exactly sure what a torrent is, but it is essentially a compressed file that you download.  You then open it up with torrent software (Bittorrent, uTorrent, etc.) and it will decompress that file and download all of it’s contents to your computer.  There are various torrent websites out there (torrentz.com, isohunt.com, mininova.com, etc.)  Movies can be easily found and downloaded through the use of torrents.  If you aren’t comfortable watching those downloaded movies on your itty bitty laptop or PC screen, you can connect your PC to your TV (like I have) or connect your laptop to your TV with a video cable (s-video, HDMI, DVI, etc.).  What cable you use depends on what ports your TV and computer has.  I use a DVI-HDMI cable.  The DVI end is connected to the back of my PC and the HDMI end is connected to my TV.  Either way, refrain from paying for music and/or movies.  Seriously, bootleggin’ has been the societal trend for the past 2 decades…so get with the illegally downloaded and cracked program.

Hold your Cable/Internet/Cell Companies Hostage

Threaten the Jehovah’s Witness out of any of the above companies by threatening to leave them.  You may have to call back in a few times and speak to different people, but more often than not, you eventually will get someone on the phone who is willing to negotiate.  Even if you have zero leverage, you can magically manufacture some if you bitch enough.  It’s true.  Please believe it’s true.  Lie if you have to…actually…I vehemently implore you to lie.  Tell them that a rival company is offering a better deal.  Better yet, use the recession to your advantage.  Tell them that you just don’t have as much disposable income as you used to because of the recession.  Explain to them that you would love to continue service with them, but that you just can’t afford it any more.  It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there folks – you gotta make it do what it do.  Believe you me, these companies are taking bubble baths in garden tubs of your hard earned money – so you’re more than well served to flip the script on ‘em.  Haggle everything.  Heed the wise words of King Leonidas in 300 (“Give them nothing…but take from them EVERYTHING!“).    The time to become an asshole has arrived.

Jailbreak your iPhone

Listen to me, you naive iPhone app buying ignoramus:  jailbreak your iPhone.  Do not dare reconsider this.  Rather than spending HUNDREDS of dollars on useless apps, you can download them for FREE – IF you jailbreak your iPhone.  Once you jailbreak your iPhone, you can download the “Installous” app from Cydia (the jailbroken man’s app store).  Using “Installous”, you can download almost every app from the app store for free.  Is this illegal?  Of course.  But more slap-on-the-wrist illegal than finger-in-your-ass-welcome-to-the-pokey illegal. But…again…your morality is the sacrificial lamb that has to be fed to the Tyrannosaurus Rex that is the recession.  You can google “jailbreak” and “installous” and will find a ton of information and how-to guides on both. Or, you can reference a post that I wrote nearly a year ago (“Do Not Pass Go…Go Directly to JAILbreak“). Some of the references in there are outdated (everything was based on the 2.1 iPhone firmware), but the basic idea remains the same.

Buy Online

DO NOT be afraid to buy things from the internet.  Especially electronics.  Things like digital cameras, computer parts, and electronic accessories (chargers, cables, etc.) are infinitely cheaper online than they are in stores – even with shipping.  If you have the patience to wait a week for your goods, then online is the way to go.  You cats would be surprised with the number of folks who still refuse to purchase online.  Books are something else that are extremely cheap online.  A website that I’ve used a few times with great success is Swaptree.com.  They allow you to swap books, DVDs, and music CDs with another user.  All you have to do is pay for the shipping required to send it to that person.  You can even print out the shipping label directly from the website (the shipping cost is calculated online) and affix that to the packaging (eliminating the need to go to the post office).  For example, you could trade “The Davinci Code” for “The Kite Runner” for about $2.50.  This way, you don’t have to spend $15-$20 purchasing a new book.  You simply “swap” out your old one for another one.

Here are a few reliable websites that I’ve used in the past that offer online promotions and deals:

Slickdeals.net

Woot.com

Dansdeals.com

I could go on all night with more detailed accounts of bootleggin’ practices I employ on a daily basis, but this post has become uber verbose.  There are a ton of other bootleggin’ suggestions that are escaping me right now.  I may or may not post another one or two of these “guides” in the future.

So, the question that must be incinerating your brain steam like a firecracker’s fuse must be this: What the hell have I been doing for the past month? Well, well, well. I am ELATED to report that this week marks my 4th consecutive week in The A. The boondocks are but a distant memory. You could say that we’re “taking a break”. Please believe, I will not be calling that skank anytime soon. If she wants to indulge in the decadence of all that is Brown (yours truly), then she’s gonna have to pick up the phone and call me. So, even with all this consecutive time in the A, I’ve still found a way to neglect this blog. It’s. What. I. Do. The least you folks can do is slice me a slab of slack for my diminished literary ingenuity. No worries, folks – I know I gotta do a better job of keeping up appearances. I used to be petrified of slapping some generic garbage on here just to fill the void, but that may be the only way I can retain any sort of consistency with this blog. Then again, some folks would probably be inclined to say that it seems as though I’ve already started that. Like I said, cut a Brownie some slack.

Anyways, on to the happenings of the past month.

The Movie Nazi (yours truly) has struck again. Why are my initial reactions to movies so predominantly negative and laced with disappointment? Expectations have rarely met reality it seems. Then again, after a few days have passed and I’ve had time to digest what I’ve seen, I normally warm from a cold, reluctant fist tap to a one-armed, hesitant embrace. For example, “Inglourious Basterds“. What was my initial reaction after leaving the theater? WWW (Wiggity. Wiggity. Wack.). Now, mind you this, I’m a HUGE Tarantino fan, but I found the movie exaggerated (a common characteristic of all Tarantino movies) and slow (also, another commonality of Tarantino flicks). But, after a day or so, I more aptly saw the movie for what it was and scrutinized it not based on expectations, but on reality.

It was a good movie. Deserving of being considered as “Tarantino’s Best”? No. I still think “Kill Bill” holds that tiara. Honestly though, I think I still would’ve been tempted to toss the movie a WWW if not for Christopher Waltz’s stunning performance as the “Jew Hunter” Colonel Landa. The epitome of a (seemingly) benevolent asshole. His performance was definitely Oscar-worthy.

(500) Days of Summer. Checkmark. A really good movie that I also was initially underwhelmed by. But after letting it marinate (no pun intended) for a day or so, I came to really appreciate the movie. It was creative, different, and funny. Definitely a must-see. And, just like the voiceover said at the beginning of the movie, it wasn’t a love story. Well…it sort of was. But wasn’t. You have to watch it to understand what I’m talking about. Check it out. Torrent that mother.

In a little less than a month from now, I will make my return to Spain. My sister pretty much dropped everything to study Flamenco in Southern Spain (Granada) for a few months. Ballsy, to say the least. One of these days, I hope to have the same determined wherewithal and gumption to take that leap. For now, I’ve comforted myself in the fact that I will be headed over there to Southern Spain to visit her for a week. We plan on backpacking through Southern Spain and Portugal for a week. We will probably only go to 2 or 3 cities, but I am extremely looking forward to it. Plus, my brother-in-law and my cousin from the Armpit of NYC (Jersey City) will join me on my travels. It’ll be good to return to Europe. It’s been over 3 years now. Unbelievable. Just 3 years ago we were stumbling through streets cluttered with broken beer bottles while sippin’ on cold brewskis with Germans in the streets of Munich as they celebrated a quarterfinal World Cup victory. Feels like 10 years ago. I’m trying to slowly get back in the flow and hustle of traveling overseas. I’ve vowed to myself to never stop exploring the back alleys and crevices of the world.

And…cross your fingers, folks. I’m hoping to make my triumphant return to India in December after a 4 year hiatus. Wow. 4 years. Really? Although, how triumphant a return can it possibly be when I’m returning without a blushing bride? I’m sure they’ll give me days of grief and ridicule for this. At least I don’t have to slide my feet in the sweaty Chucks of my older cousin. This cat is 30, wears skinny jeans, listens to chick bands, has an inclined affinity for Anglos, and…above all…is still unmarried. He will bear the brunt of criticism. Thank God for family who you can throw under the bus to conveniently avoid the spotlight of scrutiny. Whew. Right now, the major obstacle that stands in the way of my purchasing a ticket is the price. We’re talking roughly 2 G’s right now to go at the time I am looking at. If the price doesn’t come down, I’ll be hard pressed to slice that much provolone. So, I’m doing what I do best: waiting. If prices come down, I go. If not, who the flip knows?

Morningstar. Buy 1 Get 1 Free. Need I say more? I went to the grocery store (Publix) earlier today and grabbed me 12 different boxes of Morningstar products. That’s right, folks. 12. I am salivating at the thought of marinating the faux-chicken with Tikka Masala. Giggidy. Giggidy. It’s the coming that I’m worried about…not the going.

A little over a week ago, I was stuffing my face with achari paneer rolls and falafels in The Fat Apple. Thank the good Lord for the existence of Kati Roll and Mamoun’s. But…what stood out was actually the veggie joint I dined at in Greenwich Village the Monday I left: Red Bamboo. So, Red Bamboo is one of numerous veggie joints in The Fat Apple that serve faux-meat. Faux chicken, beef, shrimp, even lamb chops. To start off, I ordered chicken skewers with a curry dipping sauce.  Excellent, on point, and charred to perfection.  For the entree, I ordered the Southern Creole Chicken. Savory, sweet, and delicious.  Plus, the portions were generous.  It definitely had the taste, texture, and seasoning of real chicken. Plus, the sauce that was served with it was delicious. It was a cajun flavored sauce with a hint of sweetness. I wish I had the menu to accurately describe the food.  My words do little justice to the quality of the food.  It was excellent veggie fare. Definitely worth exposing your palate to if ever in NYC.  If you don’t believe me, read the reviews on Yelp.

Time to slide some cake in the oven, catch up on some of the day’s happenings in the world of sports, and enumerate some Z’s.

On to the alleged homewrecker.

Alicia.  Alicia.  Alicia.  Ms.  Keys.  Please, por favor, per favore, meharbani karine…do NOT tell me you’ve given revitalized meaning to the term “two-timer”.  Say the flip it ain’t so.  No wonder you’ve been AWOL the past few months.  So, unbeknownst to me, you’ve been cuddling up and whispering sweet nothings to someone other than yours truly?  There are numerous reports that allege that singer Alicia Keys and rapper/producer Swizz Beatz have been dating for months.  Word on the street is that both have now publicly confirmed that they are dating (after months of speculation and hearsay).  Alicia Keys was once privileged enough to be the nucleus of my atom of infatuation.  No mas.  If this story is true (which it seems highly likely that it is), then I will officially have to remove Ms. Keys off the list of women who one day could be lucky enough to be placed into consideration for the title of being my main squeeze.  Too.  Damn.  Bad.  Dr. Elliot Reid (Sarah Chalke of Scrubs) and Samantha Brown – you’ve been promoted.  Feel free to bolt out of the room jumping up and down clinging onto your golden ticket.  “Pack your bags…you’re going to Hollywood!!!”  Alicia…I never thought that I’d be saying this to you…but…alls I gots to say is that “you’re like school in the summertime…no class.” By the way, I know I’m nearly 3 months late on this…but…what else do you expect? The boondocks of Franklin, TX ain’t exactly conducive to keep on keepin’ on with what’s happenin’ in the streets. Anyone who has paid consistent attention to this discombobulated mess I naively choose to call a blog knows that I ain’t exactly intuitive of what’s shakin’ in the crevices of the streets of pop culture.

Wow.  Asians (as in Fwied Wice Asians) are an awkward bunch.  The show “Extreme Cuisine” on the Travel Channel is featuring a Taiwanese restaurant called “Modern Toilet“.  This restaurant is entirely themed around bathrooms – and more specifically, toilets.  Every dish is served out of a mini-plastic toilet.  And what exactly is the most popular dish?  Curry chicken…which…fittingly resembles…well…crap.  No way this restaurant is popular, right?  It must be a disgusting shtick that few have the gastronomical fortitude to experience?  Right?  Wrong.  They have 12 of them across Taiwan and Hong Kong.  Although, who am I to talk?  I practically live on the can.  But still…digging into a pile of food that looks like the deposited fetal aftermath of a decomposing Giordano’s deep dish pizza?  Ay yi yi.  But, odds are ironically in your favor if you bet on me chowing down some toilet curry tofu.  Who am I to belittle another’s culinary inclinations, regardless of how bizarre and unorthodox?

Can someone be fired for only providing a customer with ONE mild sauce at Taco Bell?  Especially after the customer insists on a “whole lotta sauce”?  ONE mild sauce?  Is the economy that tight that not only are we deprived of employment and profitable financial opportunities, but also Taco Bell sauces?  Give us us free!!!  And plenty.  A bean burrito is like a dimepiece who’s foolish enough to be complicit in intimacy with you.  Feel privileged that you’re even fortunate enough to reside in the same room as that warm, mouthwatering fold of flour tortilla.  Do not rush into the 2 minutes of unforgettable ecstacy you are about to experience.

Be diligent and considerate enough to take your time to make sure it is ready.  A bean burrito needs to be made to feel that it is your first, your only, and your last.  It needs the sweltering foreplay of hot and mild sauce.  Do not shake your head in bewilderment.  You know damn well that I’m the Don Juan of Burritos.  Dot your i’s, cross your t’s, and be on them p’s and q’s, or I will snatch your burrito away; introduce it to a “really man”.

It feels good to blog again.  Every time feels like the first time.  I guess gettin’ laid isn’t the only activity I infrequently participate in.

Transformers 2. Again…disappointed. It felt entirely too verbose, a bit too serious for its own good, and not even in the same zipcode of funny as the original. But, it wasn’t a bad movie – just not a great one. Although, the rest of the universe may disagree with me. It kachinged 60 million bucks on it’s opening day…on a Wednesday!. Un-believe-able. 60 mil in a day. The theater was absolutely slammed in College Station, TX. I waited nearly an hour to get into the theater (after having already purchased a ticket hours in advance) and was BARELY able to get a seat. Please believe though, I cranked my stag up in College Station and watched it solo for $4. I still cannot get over this. $4! By the way, what is even the point of having humans (like Tyrese) in the movie? They’re barely even in it and contribute squadoosh. The movie definitely had some “ooh” and “aah” action sequences, but even that had its restrictions. Scrap metal battlin’ isn’t exactly discernible to detail on the big screen. But, like I said, the flick had its moments, but not enough to leave me feelin’ satisifed or convinced that I’ve seen one of the better movies of the summer. The comedy felt a bit forced and, in my irrelevant opinion, fell flat. I think I may have become a movie Nazi; a cinema snob. I think I’ve set my cinematic standards entirely too high. Then again, I did enjoy educating myself on the “Cultural Learnings of America” – so maybe there is hope for me yet.

By the way, iPhone OS 3.0 is pretty dope. I’ve been using it for a week or so and am very impressed. Finally, after 2 years, Apple has completed its best effort to appease its rabid customer base. I am lovin’ the landscape feature they’ve added to their apps.

Do you like your information pushed in? Apple has also added the “Push Notifications” feature. Us members of the iCult have been gettin’ our Ric Flair on for the past 2 years; we’ve been down on our knees clasping our hands together begging for push notifications. And…we were rewarded. For those that are uninformed, push notifications essentially allow you to receive instantaneous alerts when any new information has been received in an app that has been closed out. For example, you could log into a chat app and click out of it and still receive notifications when folks IM or message you. This essentially allows your app to keep on keepin’ on in the background. I’ve been using a few apps with the push feature and initial results are good. I’ve just downloaded Beejive 3.0 (one of the most popular iPhone chat clients). The 3.0 version now supports push notifications. The reason I am so excited about push notifications is because this will almost entirely eliminate the need for SMS. Will you still need a text messaging plan? Probably. But, the bare bones SMS plan should work for you if you play your push cards right. Lord knows my Guju ways will never fade, so I’m all for whatever saves me money, regardless of the adjustments I have to make. At least I can swipe my forehead in relief knowing that I don’t have to upgrade from my $5 200 text messages plan.

There is even a text messaging application (Textfree Unlimted) that uses your email to send free text messages. This app also now features push notifications. How the hell the totalitarian nazi that is Apple (and to a greater extent AT&T) allowed this is light years beyond me.

How the hell did I get stuck with a Mazda rent-a-car that doesn’t have power windows nor power locks, but has steering wheel radio controls? They still produce cars without power windows and doors? Bootleg indeed. Even the auxiliary input didn’t work on this car. I should’ve went with the Dodge. It’s funny how quickly we adjust to commodities once considered luxuries.

I completed this entire post on an Airtran flight from Houston to Atlanta. Note to self: buy a box of Godiva milk chocolate cashews and a dozen roses for Lady Technology. If I stack my pancakes right, she might even put out. But that ain’t but a thang. If need be, I’ll go celibate for ol’ girl.

So, Star Trek was definitely as dope as expected. But, that is an inexpensive, albeit savory, appetizer in comparison to the mouth-watering entree which I’m about to explain to you. I paid $4 FLAT for a 10pm movie ticket to a Saturday show. $4! How is this even possible? And this wasn’t some bootleg back-alley, haphazard joint either. This was a clean and decent movie theater in College Station, TX. FOUR FRIGGIN’ DOLLARS! Where the hell is their profit margin? I will definitely be returning to that theater another time or two before I permanently bid adieu to Texas. I’ve been months behind in keepin’ on keepin’ on with movies, so this seems to be a shimmering opportunity to play catch up with some of these recent cinematic releases. I’m still in euphoric disbelief. 4 dollars. I was tempted to fist tap and chest bump the ticket taker out of blissful exuberance.

Random thought. Frasier. Why the hell was this show so popular? I’m surprised that the high brow humor shtick stuck. Hey…stop shakin’ your head in unsympathetic disapproval. I know it’s 1am on a Saturday and I’m watching Frasier…but…I refuse to feel belittled by your negligent disparagement. I’m off tomorrow, so I’ve returned to my nocturnal ways – for at least one night. I can spend my day off doing either of three things: travel to Houston, travel to San Antonio, or sleep in late and relajar the entire day. I’m heavily inclined towards the latter. Vamos a ver. Although…the thought of sleeping in is whispering sweet nothings in my ear; conspicuosly moderating my nocturnal instincts.

I really want to pick the guitar back up and start playing it again. I think, this time, rather than me half-assedly (should be a word) teaching myself, I’m strongly considering paying for lessons. We’ll see. This very well could be another ambition of mine that I pursue with reckless abandon and undisciplined dedication. If any of you folks know any affordable guitar instructors that you can recommend, leave a comment on this page.

Stop the presses!!! Hold the expense report!!! Even though I’m paying $129/night (w/o taxes and fees) for a room at the Homehood Suites (bka Homewood Suites), they can’t/won’t/don’t offer complimentary toothpaste at the front desk. Rather, it is available for purchase downstairs. I never understood fancier hotels. Ever notice that the more expensive hotels scarcely have complimentary continental breakfast? How come the Econolodges of the world offer complimentary Honey Buns while the 5-Star Ritz Carltons charge $10+ for breakfast buffets? What…rich folks don’t have an affinity for all things free? Get-the-fugg-outta-here! It makes absolutely no sense. So…rather than overpaying for a miniature tube of paste, I’m going to peruse the hygienic aisles of Wally World and buy me a regular sized (and optimally affordable) tube. My Guju sensibilities will never diminish.