Swatchmen

Alimony is a bitch!  I’m like a deadbeat daddy infrequently visiting his offspring.  This site has become my bastard child.  I’m increasingly neglecting this bad boy each passing month.

I’m raising my hand and accepting full responsibility for my negligence.  To be frank and honest, another “project” has swallowed up my free time.  That project, that never-ending frustrating project would be my quest to build a faux-Tivo (a PVR), but I will get to that in a later post.  I’ve been too damn scatterbrained these past few months – too easily distracted and deterred.  Let’s hope that I can somehow change that in the coming months.

I’m toggling through frequencies channeling my inner Jake Delhomme, licking my fingers repeatedly in anticipation.  I’ve been AWOL for a minute and some change, so please believe I got a few thoughts I need to electronically scribble down.

First things first, I would be doing an enormous disservice to moviegoers if I didn’t share my hate…err…opinion about the latest graphic novel/superhero flick “(S)Watchmen”.   The fact that this movie received an overall rating of 65% on Rotten Tomatoes (which is actually pretty decent) solidifies the fact that 65% of this great nation of ours…is on crystal meth…or blind.  This was an ATROCIOUS piece of cinematic gaah-bage.  The kind of crap that can only get pushed out of one’s intestines.  And nearly 3 hours long?  “Watchmen” was supposedly an accurate depiction of the graphic novel.  If that is the case, then how the hell is this the most popular graphic novel of all-time?  Three words can sum up my opinion about this movie:  Wiggity.  Wiggity.  Wack.  That’s all that’s needed to be said…but…I (obviously) will expound a little more on my most regrettably spent $10 of 2009 (and I’ve been to the strip club!).   First off, a superhero movie without action is about as appealing as a porno without sex.  Jenna Jameson is shaking her head right now.  So, not only did “Swatchmen” have limited, pedestrian action, but the acting was horrible.  The only character (and acting performance) that saved this movie from being thrown into the 300 “Pit of Death” with “Good Luck Suck” and “Miami Vice” was that turned in by Rorschach (the cat with the inkblot mask on his face).

The love scenes were uncomfortable enough to make an adolescent teen cringe and a Cambodian tranny whore consider a vow of celibacy.  Think I’m embellishing a bit?  Then download the torrent (please DO NOT…I emphatically reiterate, DO NOT throw down cash for a movie ticket).  If you somehow support this movie financially, then I will hunt you down and Jack Bauer-interrogate your ass.  Waterboarding will feel like a handjob in comparison to what I’ll do to you.

Another thing.  When exactly did “Swatchmen” become “10th and Piedmont”?   Sky blue genitalia was dangling on-screen seemingly every other shot.  I mean…cmon Dr. Manhattan…put on some draws!  Hey, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t adverse to spotting a man’s junk on camera, but repeatedly?   We kind-of-sort-of got the point the first time we saw him clone himself into a menage-a-trois machine.   As if that wasn’t awkward enough, Dr. Manhattan goes into a 15+ minute monologue (on Mars – yes, the planet Mars) detailing how he became who he is.  Hands down the most boring 15 minutes of cinema I’ve seen in quite some time.

This movie was disappointing on every level.  I wasn’t even impressed with the cinematography of the movie (like I was with Sin City and 300).  The best part of the movie was the opening credits.  From that point on, the movie quickly accelerated (more like nose-dived) downhill.  The comic book/graphic novel geeks must have hatched a conspiracy to ensure this movie’s success.  Positive reviews from “legitimate” critics?  A big opening weekend?   How did any of that even happen?  Who in their right mind could enjoy this movie?  The highlight of the evening was that the movie ended in enough time for me and my crew of cool cats to grab a slice of pie from Fellini’s before they closed at midnight.  Thank God we caught the 8:30 show.  Thank God.

Months and months ago, I wrote an inflammatory post insulting Dane Cook (among others) and implored him to cease making movies.  I received a ton of comments on that post – mostly defending Dane Cook.  So, I’m pretty sure that there will be a myriad of comments defending this indefensibly disappointing movie.

I was going to write about a few other things, but I guess that my Swatchmen angst hijacked this post.

It’s fiddeen after 12.  I’m ’bout to catch up on some SportsCenter highlights and hit the hay.