So many things to do….but what to do?? what to do??? what exactly does the future hold for me?? who will I become?? Where will I be living?? Will I be married?? How long will it take for me to find the solace and peace of mind I have always wanted?? My mind has increasingly become inundated with the possibilities of the future…grad school?? but for what and in what field?? buying a home?? condo? townhome? renting?? and how about getting a new job, maybe in a new field, and maybe a new career….I’m not really sure, but I think that I have reached a certain point in my life where I am back to where I was before I started my current job: undecided. I still am not sure if I want to be an engineer for the rest of my life – and the hardest fact about that is that I have nothing concrete in my mind to support that. I think that life and work have only bought me time in making the decisions I’ve known I have always needed to make. My job as a systems engineer is just a temporary fix for the bigger issue I have long been dealing with.

I think that sometimes ambition can be a very vicious commodity in a man’s mind. When you are ambitious, your attention is often distributed among too many things. You want to do so much that you often feel unsatisfied with what you are doing. You are ready to do the next big thing and want to do as much as you can in as little time. I’ve even thought about maybe opening up my own business in the future, maybe a restaurant, who knows?? I know that I am capable of doing every single thing that I want to do, but I fear that there is no way that I will have enough time and energy to actually DO all the things I want and even if all those things are necessary to be done.

I don’t know what it is exactly I should be doing and what I want to do – so I am stuck in the middle between my aspirations and my circumstances. I’ve always been a person who can deal with something once it has been laid out in front of me – good or bad. But when something is uncertain and I have little control and comprehension of what exactly is occurring, I can become frustrated and uneasy with the lack of decision and finality in my life. I can be simple in so many ways and in so many different areas of my life, but when it comes to my career, I am uncertain, apprehensive, and irreprehenisbly afraid to end up as another 40-year old working a shitty job they never wanted to work and regretting the past 15 years of my life. I don’t want to become THAT guy. I have always felt that I am destined to do something great, but have never know exactly what that is. I know I have something inside of me, that if discovered and cultivated, will lead me to great and unimaginable things. But what scares me the most is that I have no idea when, and more frighteningly if, I will find that inner spark, that light that will guide me to where I need to be. I have tried to develop patience in my life, but it is hard…I have always felt that life is short and that I must enjoy every waking moment…I feel like I have to do everything so fast and in such a quick time…i have to remember that I have to take things one step at a time before I get ahead of myself and accomplish nothing. If I overlook the small things in order to achieve the bigger things, I will never even accomplish the small needed to reach the big. I wonder if I will still be thinking and blogging down these very same thoughts in a few years…indecision has run rampant in my mind…